i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
