My Higher Power is John Stamos
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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