Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
