The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
