This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
