and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
