What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize