At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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