boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
