Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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