I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
