if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Your cock deserves a montage
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
