When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
