Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
