and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
