Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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