Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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