I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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