sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
