If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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