New low: just hacked my moms facebook
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
