So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
