We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
