A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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