I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
