i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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