We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
