my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize