he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
In America we eat man semen.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
