so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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