he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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