Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize