I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
