I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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