I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
