Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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