dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
