He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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