New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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