This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
