She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
