I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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