Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
