i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
