someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
