I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
