everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize