Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
