Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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