you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
