when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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