the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
