i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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