No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
