i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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