Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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