How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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