You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
