Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
