I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
