She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
